Let Me Fall
by Dahlia Mockery
Summary: [songfic] When love turns to hate, anger and heartbreak what is left? An empty shell with nothing to live for. As his heart shatters, he slowly makes up his mind and choose his next move even though he knows who he will hurt around him. Part 3 of 3 up.
1. Fear and Dreams Must Collide

This is my first peice of angst fiction (not counting the horrid Dying Immortal) and I feel quiet proud if I do say so myself! Thanks to Sleeping Tiger and Ashley for the help.

_-Quidam_

* * *

**Disclaimer: Once again, if I was T.S. Eliot or Andrew Lloyd Webber I don't think I'd be hanging around here. I also do not own Cirque du Soleil in any way, shape or forum. If I did, those contortionsts would be mine!**

* * *

_All my life I have been a background character and I have no one to blame but myself for that. I could have lived a perfectly happy life but I decided to stay in the shadows. Now here I am without anything but my pathetic life; I won't even have that in a second._

_**Let me fall  
Let me climb  
There's a moment when fear  
And dreams must collide**_

_Tying a noose is easier than I thought but it's coming along nicely. I don't want to be left hanging in pain after I jump. Quick; that's how I want my death to be. In a way I'm putting myself on display. I want everyone to see this, I want them to be blinded with pain. For once in my life I won't be the stage cat._

_I feel a nagging inside of me because I know I'll be hurting some by doing this. I'm leaving my family behind for selfish reasons. I hope one day they can forgive me. Their lives might even be better without me around. If not, I really hope they'll forgive me one day even though I don't deserve it._

_I'm re-reading the note I've written. I know Munkustrap or someone will read it out loud and I know it's going to cause tears. That's exactly what I want from her. I've been stabbed in the heart. For at least two brief seconds I want her to know what it feels like. Her heart has never been broken; she'll finally feel the pain I've felt. She'll cry those tears that I wept when I saw her in his arms. I can't forgive either of them for what they have done too me._

_**Someone I am  
Is waiting for courage  
The one I want ** _

Everything had been so perfectly planned too. I was ready this time. I was going to tell her, I was going to finally confess those feelings I had kept hidden for all these years. The day seemed brighter, everything illuminated. I was in love and I didn't care who knew it. It changed when I reached the junkyard. As soon as I entered I felt my heart break in two. I witnessed the most disgusting spectacle; sitting there, bodies entwined was Alonzo and my beloved Cassandra in a passionate kiss.

_**The one I will become will catch me  
So let me fall if I must fall  
I won't heed your warnings  
I won't hear them**_

_My stomach turned. Nausea over came me. My legs suddenly felt weak. I felt warm, sweat rolling down my face. I held the urge to vomit back. I looked up again. They almost look as if they were glued together. I couldn't stand to look at them but I couldn't tear my eyes away. I regained myself after a few brief seconds before I ran out of the junkyard. _

_My feet carried far away from the junkyard and the disgusting sight my eyes had seen. I found myself tired, sweaty and out of breath. Collapsing to the ground I began to bawl like a newborn kit. Toms don't cry but I'm no tom. _

_**Let me fall  
If I fall  
Though the phoenix may  
Or may not rise**_

_The idea of death had never crossed my mind until this day. Today I had to ask myself if I really had anything to live for now. My whole life was dedicated to getting Cassandra to notice me, to love me but now she loved someone else. I felt completely worthless as if my love had been cast away like a piece insignificant trash._

_Everyday of this pathetic life had been spent trying to catch the moonlit eyes of the stunning, breathing piece of art known as Cassandra. She was an angel among common mortals. Classy, talented, sleek, beautiful; she was absolute perfection. No matter how hard I tried I could never seem to get my message through. I'd catch her eye occasionally, give her smile or greet her in the morning. She regarded me but she never seemed to get the fact that I loved her. It was hard for me and now I was too late._

_There sat a tom with a broken heart and a total useless life. What could he do but sit and ponder his next move? What could someone who was incompetent as me possibly do? With no motivation, life is completely meaningless. There was nothing left for this good for nothing tom._

**_I will dance so freely  
Holding on to no one  
You can hold me only  
If you too will fall  
Away from all these  
Useless fears and chains_**

_The rest of the afternoon was spent in an alley, contemplating on various things. The family that brought me up would be hurt. There was no way there wouldn't be pain. As much as it pained me I knew this had to be done. They would cope but the pain would never be fully healed._

_Cassandra was a different matter. She had no idea how I felt. She never did. These feelings of love and passion had always been ignored. They seemed completely insignificant to her. I really shouldn't have been surprised. Those gleaming, silver eyes would never stare into mine. That loving gaze was meant for another. _

_**Someone I am  
Is waiting for my courage  
The one I want  
The one I will become  
Will catch me**_

_I thought about many things for a great deal of time before I headed back home. The pep that once occupied my body had died. These legs that were once so strong now were weak and collapsible. My stride became an awkward stagger, making my journey back to the yard slow. I wasn't in that much of a hurry, not to see the horrid sight of Alonzo and Cassandra in a loving embrace. I hissed lowly at the thought, fire burning in my throat, as I hobbled towards a secluded area of the junkyard. I sat down once more, sighing sadly. I wanted to cry but I held it in._

_**So let me fall  
If I must fall  
I won't heed your warnings  
I won't hear them**_

_My eyes landed on the long, winding piece of rope before me. I stared at it until I shifted my gaze to the high pile of junk. Sticking out was a long plank of wood. The idea I needed hit me like a ton of bricks. Before any other action was taken I had to write two letters first; one to my family and one to my darling Cassandra._

_I'm now re-reading my letters. One is filled with anger, sadness and pain, the other filled with regret. Both are perfect._

**_Let me fall  
If I fall  
There's no reason  
To miss this one chance  
This perfect moment_**

_I've placed the letters on an overturned trashcan. Sighing sadly, I head over the noose. I slip my head into the hole. I close my eyes tight before I jump. _

_This will be the last breath of air I will ever take._

_**Just let me fall **_


	2. The One I Will Become

Yes, I'm not dead yet. (I most likely will be when my mother catches me down here.) Here's the second part. Only one last chapter and it'll be over. Man, I never thought a three peice fic would cause me long nights! Off to bed with me!

_**-Quidam**_

* * *

Electra rolled the ball towards Jemima. She batted with her paw and sent it towards Tumblebrutus, who caught it. 

"Over here, Tumble!" Etcetera waved at him.

With all the force he could muster the young tom sent the ball speeding towards her. She giggled as it rolled past her towards a rather isolated part of the yard. The bright, red ball had stopped near an overturned trashcan.

Etcetera ran over ready to retrieve her ball when something caught her eye. Two white envelopes sat on top of the can. Ignoring her ball, she inspected the two new objects. She was ready to snatch them away and bring them to the others when she turned around.

" Ad--------" She began.

She froze, stiff with fear as her eyes grew wide. Her high pitched scream rang throughout the yard. Falling to her knees, she immediately began to bawl loudly until she hid her face in her paws, muffling her cries. Victoria was the first one to find her.

"Etty!" She ran to her sister's side. "What is it? What's wrong?"

Etcetera didn't answer. Victoria dropped to her knees, wrapping her arms around her shaken sister. As she looked up she gasped and her eyes soon filled with tears. Hanging from a rope was their oldest brother Admetus.

Dead.

The two queens were left sob only for a few seconds. Soon, a horde of

Jellicles found them. Jennyanydots hugged the two queens, trying to find out the source of their grief.

"Victoria, Etcetera!" She cried. "What's wrong?"

There was another scream. This time it came from Jellylorum. Her eyes were filled with horror as they reflected her oldest hanging from a plank. Her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she slowly teetered backwards. Thankfully, Skimbleshanks caught her before she fell.

" Is that--" Tumblebrutus gulped. "Admetus?"

Victoria whimpered slightly; she looked up only for a second. Jennyanydots soon covered the queens' eyes but it did no good. A whole new wave of tears soon came. Tumblebrutus had turned away, holding his stomach. Jemima and Electra were hiding their faces into Plato's chest, both crying softly. Asparagus couldn't even look at his dead son.

"Someone go get Munkustrap," he ordered.

* * *

The silver tabby felt his like something was eating away at his stomach.

The sight of Admetus hanging, motionless, made him feel sick even though Admetus looked somewhat peaceful. His eyes were closed, his lips curved into a small smile. Munkustrap imagined Admetus opening his eyes and winking like it was just a cruel joke.

Sadly, no one could cheat death.

"I can't believe this," Alonzo shook his head sadly. Munkustrap noticed that Alonzo looked like he was ready to vomit. "How--how could he just go and do this? Did he ever say anything to anyone in the yard?"

"Can't say," Munkustrap sighed, looking down at his feet. "I just can't--hey, what's that?"

His eyes landed on the trash can. Sitting there were two vanilla envelopes. The writing on both was in the same color ink but the names were different. He took them both, reading the names.

"To my family," He glanced at the other one. "To Cassandra."

"What?" Alonzo snatched the one with Cassandra's name on it. "Why'd he write a letter to her?"

"I don't know, but I better give this to his family," Munkustrap sighed. "I am not looking forward to this visit."

"No one would."

* * *

Asparagus felt his heart break in two all over again. His eyes were wet from the tears that he refused to let fall. He hugged his mate closer, burrowing his head into hers. His chest was damp from her tears. This was the worst thing that had ever happened to either of them.

Apart from her wails, the crying from his two darling daughters, Victoria and Etcetera, was tearing away at him even more. Victoria was sniffling pitifully while Etcetera was howling into her older sister's stomach. In all their nine lives Asparagus had hoped they'd never have to see something so horrid.

"Hey, mom! Hey, dad!" Pouncival entered the den. "Sorry I'm late, I--- what's wrong? Why--why is mum crying?"

Jellylorum didn't answer and neither did Asparagus. Pouncival glanced over at his two weeping sisters, a confused look on his face.

"What's wrong?" He asked again.

Victoria looked up, her face wet. Pouncival's face softened slightly.

"Pounce!" Victoria began softly. "It's Admetus---he's--"

"Yeah, where's Addy?" Pouncival looked around. "I haven't seen him all day and he promised he'd wrestle with me today!"

Victoria lip quivered slightly yet she didn't cry. Pouncival's ears drooped, still looking extremely confused. He turned around, seeing Munkustrap enter their den. A slight smile came up his face as he ran to greet the Jellicle protector. As he approached the silver tabby, he noticed that Munkustrap looked slightly uncomfortable.

"Hey Munkustrap!" Pouncival smiled. "Do you know where Admetus is?"

"Actually Pouncival, that's why I'm here," The silver tabby's smile faltered slightly. "Pouncival, do you know what suicide is?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, you're brother---" Munkustrap stared at the young kit. "Is--dead. He killed himself. I'm--I'm sorry."

The grin on Pouncival's face disappeared instantly. He stared at Munkustrap, his face blank. He sniffed, tears slowly forming in him eyes. Just like Victoria, his lip began to tremble slightly but the tears wouldn't come. Feeling obligated, Munkustrap hugged the young tom.

" Wh--why?" He asked, his voice shaky. "Why'd he do that?"

"I really don't know," Munkustrap patted his back. "But I have this. It's a note to your family. Do you want to read it?"

"You read it!" Pouncival begged. "Please?"

Before he could obejct, Munkustrap saw every Jellicle in the den staring at him. Their eyes were begging him to read it. He sighed again before he opened the letter.

_I've done this letter in sections so I can say something to each of you. _

_Dear Dad, _

_I bet you're really disappointed in me right now. I don't blame you. If I was my son I'd be disappointed in me too. I know you brought me up to be a strong and admirable tom. I'm really sorry I let you down. Even though I wasn't the best you still loved me. Thank you. _

_Dear Mom, _

_If you're crying, I want you to know that I feel like scum. I knew this would hurt you but I did it anyways. I'm a horrible son but you loved me anyways. I never did much to make you proud but you always were. I want you to know that you and dad were the best parents anyone could ask for and more than I deserve. You'll never know how much I loved you. _

_Dear Vicky and Certa, _

_You most likely hate me now. I know I've abandoned you and maybe some day you'll understand why. As your big brother, I've let you down. I'm supposed to be the one to protect you and be there for you. I've done a horrible job as a big brother. I hope you'll forgive me someday. _

_Dear Pouncival, _

_It's now your job to look over Victoria and Etcetera. I know you're mad at me for leaving you all but you can't dwell on me too much. I'm not important right now. What is important is that you take care of Vicky and Certa. You're the only brother they have now. Remember that. _

_I'm sorry for what I have done but I couldn't live my life anymore. My life seemed so meaningless at times but you are the only thing that made it worth living. Once again, I hope you all can forgive me. I love you all. _

_Admetus _

Munkustrap clenched his teeth, his eyes slightly moist; he couldn't show his emotions in front of Admetus' family. The others didn't try so hard. Etcetera was still wailing at the top of her lungs. He could tell that Victoria was fighting the urge to cry; her lip kept on trembling and she kept sniffing occasionally. Pouncival was fighting too but it seemed harder for him; his fists where clenched, his body shaking.

"W---w--why did he--he say he wasn't--important?" He asked. "He was our brother! We loved him!"

"I know Pounce but---well, maybe you'll understand when you're older." Munkustrap patted his head.

"No, I'll never understand! I don't want to understand!"

"Oh, Pounce!" Etcetera wrapped her arms around Pouncival.

He looked ready to hit her but as he looked down, he saw her face; she was hurting too. Admetus hadn't only been his brother but theirs as well. Gulping hard, he resisted the urge to smack her. The tears then rolled down Pouncival's face, hitting the ground below him. A lot of hitting going on, lol Victoria hurried over, hugging both of them in a large embrace. Munkustrap sighed heavily. He looked behind himself; Jelly was still in tears. Asparagus squeezed his mate tightly; he glanced up at Munkustrap, nodding solemnly. He nodded back before heading out of the den.

While he was walking, he noticed something fall out of the envelope. Stopping, he picked it up and found writing on a small index card. He was even more shocked when he found his name written at the beginning. Confused, he began to read.

_Munkustrap, _

_Yes, I am a bastard. I don't deny it. If you're reading this, then I guess you were the one who told my family. I can't even begin to tell you how bad I feel. I didn't want to do this but I had to. You'll most likely find out why I did it and you'll probably think _

_I'm a selfish jackass. I know that I am. _

_I want to apologize for not telling you. You've been my best friend ever since I was a kitten. You took me by the paw and treated me like an individual. Most Jellicles didn't notice me until you came along. I thank you for that. I'll never regret having you as a friend. _

_Good bye friend, _

_Admetus_

It was more than Munkustrap could bear. He dropped the letter, dropping to his knees. He held his head as tears quickly trickled down his face.

"Admetus," He whispered. "I never regretted having you as a friend either."


	3. Miss This One Chance

Gues who finally got to see _Quidam_ live! (does a little dance) Me and mom drove all the way to Ohio but it was totally worth it! I was so excited and I hated to see it end. I even got myself a T-shirt. If I could have, I would have brought everyone with me.

The woman who performed the aerial silk act did a wonderful job! I was really afraid she was going to fall but she didn't. Oh and for those who aren't Cirque crazy like me, _Let Me Fall_ is played during this act. (Hence the name.) I was nearly in tears near the end: I was thinking about Admetus.

I don't want to babble on about _Quidam _(acutally, I do.) but I do have a fan fic to finish. If you want to learn more about _Quidam_, search the net.

**_-Quidam_**

* * *

Cassandra hugged her knees close to her body and rested her head against them, as a small gust of wind blew. She closed her eyes and smiled as she thought about her beloved; no one completed her more than Alonzo. He made her seem like the only queen in the world which was extremely hard too do. Cassandra had been considered somewhat uppity when it came to toms but the truth was that she had been waiting for real love. Cassandra wasn't one of those queens who wanted a lover in the present; she wanted one for the present _and _future. She didn't want to drop toms like flies; she didn't enjoy rejecting people. She just had waited for the right one to come along and he did.

She was quite shocked that Alonzo had even warmed up to her. She didn't exactly have the reputation for being tom friendly. She did get along with toms but when it came to romance she never had any luck. She hadn't mean to, it came out that way. But Alonzo had seen past the rumors and got to the authentic, affectionate queen hiding beneath them. It was heartfelt love between both of them.

The noise at the entrance caused her move slightly. She smiled as Alonzo entered their den but it dimmed a little when she saw Alonzo's face; he was looking down at the ground, his expression blank.

"Alonzo?" Cassandra grabbed his arm. "What's wrong?"

He glanced up, saying nothing. She stared at him with worried eyes. He stared back at for a second and sighed. He took a hold of her paw, leading her back to her seat. Confused, Cassandra remained silent until Alonzo sat her down. He took a deep breath as if he were preparing to jump.

"Cassie, do you know my friend Admetus?" He asked.

"Yes, why?"

"I know you didn't know him very well but--he--ended his life today. We found him hanging from a noose."

Cassandra gasped; it made sense now. She could tell he was hurting inside. She held her chest, her breathing growing louder. Even though she didn't know Admetus, she couldn't help but feel upset. A death in the tribe was devastating no matter who it was. She could understand how Alonzo must have felt; he had been close to Admetus.

"Sweetheart, I'm so sorry!" She squeezed his paw. "You must so up--"

Before she could even finish her sentence, Alonzo handed her something . Glancing down, she saw a small, vanilla envelope with her name on it. Thinking it was from Alonzo, she gave him a questioning glace. Now fearing its contents, the queen took the letter from the patched tom and slowly tore it open. Letting the envelope fall carelessly to the floor, she began to read the letter out loud

_My dear, sweet, lovely Cassandra,_

_I love you._

_I know these words are meaningless on paper but you had to know. I always had loved you Cassandra. Even when my heart broke, I still couldn't' help but love you._

_You've always caught my eye. A perfect, slim figure, a lovely, brown coat and blue, gray eyes that made me melt. You are a walking work of perfection. No tom deserves you, especially not me. I'd never deserve you not even in a million years. You are a goddess among insects. _

_It's no surprise you never looked my way. I never deserved to ever look at you. I was nothing. You're better off without me. You don't need a good for nothing tom like me. Still, I envy Alonzo is so many ways. I can't help but be jealous of him in so many ways. Every night, he'll get to come home too you and cuddle with you. He'll love you in a way no one else can. How I long to love you the way he does._

_I've always loved you Cassandra. Never forget that._

_Love,_

_Admetus_

Cassandra eyes were wide now, her breathing slow. She glanced up at Alonzo; his gaze was the ground. Her eyes looked back to the letter. She choked and then began to sniff hard as the tears stained paper. She wiped her eyes but it did no good for the paper was already smudged. Cassandra dropped it, hiding her face in her paws. The strong yet gentle arms of Alonzo squeezed her tightly.

"I can't---believe this! How---how could I have been--so blind?" She asked.

"Cassie, you couldn't have known."

"I should have!"

"Don't be so hard on yourself."  
"Alonzo, I feel responsible for his death!" She wailed. "I can't help but be hard on myself! I'm such a---such a---"

"Hush." He commanded.

She fell silent at this order. She curled up into a ball, hugging him tightly. Alonzo placed his head on hers, running his paw down her leg. He sniffed slightly, trying to hold back his tears.

At least an hour past before Alonzo fell asleep. Cassandra, however, was still wide awake. After hearing his soft snores, she slowly slipped out of his arms. She smiled slightly before kissing his head. Quietly, she slipped away into the night. It was quite bright thanks to the full moon. The wind blew again and she shivered.

Admetus' body had been taken down by a rather reluctant Munkustrap and Alonzo. His body was now lying on an old table they found so they could have Old Deuteronomy look at it. Cassandra felt awkward being alone with a corpse but she soon shook off the strange feeling.

"Hello." She said in a soft voice.

She got no reply.

"You don't have to talk," She said, sitting down. "Just listen to me. I know-- I didn't know you very well. Now I wish I did.

She paused before she began again.

"Admetus, I hope you can hear me," She sighed. "It's not easy being me. I--I never understood the concept of loving. Caring for someone, saying you'll be there for them, cherishing them constantly. It's really hard once you think about it. For me, love was like a foreign language. At times, it still is. I really do love Alonzo but I do question our love. Is it here to stay? Will it end? Is it real? As for you, you never seemed to question your love towards me but look where it led you.

"I can't help feel responsible for your death. If only---if only I could have looked your way just once. It could have made all the difference in the world! You'd still be alive right now, home with your family. I bet they miss you."

She stared at the motionless body. Cassandra stood up, walking towards the body. Her paw caressed his smooth, cold cheek. She hadn't noticed until now but Admetus was rather handsome. He had a nice face and a strong, well built body. She bit her lip, a silver tear escaping her eye.

"Admetus," She whispered, her face inching closer. "Forgive me."

The kiss lasted only ten seconds but it felt longer than that. Her warm lips tingled slightly after the contact with his cold lips. She glanced down again, wishing he could like Sleeping Beauty. She heaved a sad sigh before she look towards the moon. Her vision became blurry as her eyes filled with steaming salt water. As slightly as she could, she cried; for her, for Alonzo, for Admetus and his family. She felt that there was a hole in her heart and it was growing with each tear she shed.

When she stopped crying, she sat down on the ground. Looking over, she finally noticed the smile on his face. She stared at him until a small smile came to her face. She looked up to the moon and let one last tear escape her eye.


End file.
